One Thing

How fascinating is the idea of… singularity, individuality, a sphere.

Imagine, if you will, a sphere. It is something we call ‘round’.

Imagine a single thing, which is one thing and can only be called one thing and no other things.

Now all the things that can look, or sense, or perceive, or imagine, see this thing, this one thing

This sphere

And they see it as a circle. Right? One circle, even if they know it’s a sphere, they see a circle.

Everyone sees a circle.

Some call it a sphere.

Some still call it a circle.

Now imagine that instead of a sphere, it’s a tiny, flat side for every thing that perceives it.

Like a (the algebraic) X-hedron

The more things perceive it, the closer that is to a sphere.

But it never really is, and it’s never really a circle either

Because the number of things that see it can never be zero, and it can never be infinite

So that’s what it is, really

One thing is never really one thing

But it’s still always going to be what it is

As long as it’s that

So remember when you’re having trouble


and you can’t fix it

get perspective

not for justice, not for morality, not to teach a lesson

but for being honest with yourself

On combined perfections and the self as a gift

Combined perfections and the perception of wholeness

I am observing the hypocrisy between what I want to be known for, and what I truly enjoy. As I worked to make music, I wanted the whole work to be representative of something. I find so many songs to be only partway entertaining; here I enjoy the tune, here I enjoy the words, here I enjoy the beat. I often sing along to these songs I would never think of writing, because they are not ‘whole’ to me. There is a hypocrisy in this, and it is my self judgment.

They say, as an artist, you should make tons of art without evaluating yourself, because you will grow. I have always found this difficult, because of the monumental amount of work it seems to take to go from a simple idea to a recorded song.

Today, as I was singing along to some old music, it occurred to me that certain parts of it are perfect, and because of the monumental effort, you have to put in your perfection and admire the monstrosity that emerges when others add theirs as well. A song has one persons perfect tune, one persons perfect vocal idea, one persons perfect beat…

Isn’t it funny how you can combine several perfect things and the result is something imperfect?
I think it’s a good thing to note, perfection cannot exist from multiple perspectives, so you must be happy with the way you perceive it. Perhaps this world, while seeming, at times, to be so cruel and stupid, is simply the result of combining many perfect things?

I continue to be reminded that even though I find some things to be alarmingly stupid, that there are good reasons for them to be that way, just not from my immediate perspective.

I was trying to find a way to roll this over to my other topic, but I can’t, oh well.

-The ‘self’ as a ‘gift’-

I am coming to a period in my life where I am tired of being a completionist. I have so often wanted things to resolve that I had lost sight of having a respect for time. For instance, I am worried about a multitude of things relating to the fact that I just began a relationship, but rather than let them consume me, I am dealing with them as they come, and not making myself miserable by needing resolution, and as a result, things are going smoothly.

So what they call ‘ego’ or perhaps the idea of the individual character is what we are dealing with. I worry about my ‘self’, as I have been raised to believe I need to be exemplary to somehow be worth anything, and I realized a while ago that impressing others is inherently worthless without some type of gain. I want to ‘complete’ the ‘self’. I want to know, is he a musician, or a writer, or a magician? What must I sacrifice, how must I train, what pain must I endure to find out the next step? However, as I am learning, I need not take responsibility for the self, I am not him, he is a gift to me. Instead of believing I need to force him to be something, I can listen and find out what he is, I can relax. A strange lesson for a strange burden.

On the merging of schools of thought

So i’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. The other day i got into a conversation with a guy about quantum physics, and he insisted that science and religion cannot be combined. He said that belief has no effect on reality. So i’ve been trying to think of a way to accurately describe the link and here it is.

You believe you are, lets say, hungry because you are supposed to eat three times a day. Are you really? How much of that feeling is created by your belief that it is so, and how much of it would remain were you not thinking about it? Have you ever drank coffee and or smoked cigarettes to either curb your hunger or to the point that you have forgotten to eat? You believe you need a drink or a smoke or a pill… are you afraid to go without or are you afraid of finding something else to do, are you afraid of a little pain? How much of what you believe you need and what you believe is happening to you are really so? Are you tired or are you just tired of doing certain things? Are you sexual for the feelings in your heart or in your loins or in your skin?

…and that’s just a little. Do you really see everything or do you just know what you can be certain about? So much information is riddled with opinion, how much do we do it to ourselves?

But i also just now saw this and i think i should share it it. It was a video where Geneticist and climate activist David Suzuki explains how conventional economics a form of brain damage in a clip from the 2011 documentary “Surviving Progress.” He is attempting to assert that there is something fundamentally wrong in the way we perceive economics. He says that the fact that their equations don’t factor in important aspects of the ecologic balance, that they view those resources as ‘outside’ the equation, makes it a form of brain damage. It’s always difficult to express things without emotion. I would say he’s trying to address the fact that economics as a ‘science’ as it is called, makes the base assumption that the accumulation of wealth is your sole objective, and costs based in ecological concerns don’t factor in damage to the ecosystem as a type of cost but instead focus on how that damage will affect the current effort to build income. It also doesn’t factor in psychological concerns and what makes us happy, or what is best for groups whose happiness is based around certain subcultures, or how people’s behavior is altered by marketing, landscape, societal roles and religion. That is, in fact, a serious problem which needs to be addressed, but calling it brain damage is not helpful to the cause.

The truth is that all sciences merge in different ways. I think I can only figure out what i have to do from where i’m sitting. Be here now, right? Harder than it sounds.


Century old newspapers blow across a nearly empty market square. Here and there are broken segments of concrete and asphalt between piles of rubble and patches of dry dirt with strands of green poking out of them, as if new life was there, but unsure if it could emerge yet. It could have been day, or night, the clouds and dust that hung in the air seemed to glow just enough to indicate neither specifically. A few homeless people slowly floated aimlessly around shadowy corners, hard to see directly, but impossible to miss. Their clothes seemed to make them, no visible skin showing, genderless, ageless, faces hidden with sunglasses or dustmasks. A door creaks open and someone slithers out of a shadow and into the door. Whispers are heard from inside. The door closes lightly, yet a few chunks of stucco and brick seemed to exhale from the structure. Another figure approaches the door and slowly scratches its fingernail across the outside. The door opens into blackness.

‘Whom do you praise in this moment?’

‘I fail to speak its true name, yet for my lack of diction, praise be to balance.’

‘The name of god is spoken. Enter at your own risk’

‘I don’t need the reminder’ The figure siphoned itself through the door. No light was visible inside, it walked step by step, being mindful of every feeling. ‘I trust in the darkness’. Each footstep met with solid ground, and a dimly lit stair approached. The torchlight quickly faded, and once again, at the bottom of the stairs, was darkness. Whispers echoed in increasing volume. The blackness and sound engulfed the figure, disoriented, it let itself fall.

‘Follow our voices, cousin’

‘I fall, yet I do not stumble, my body can see the way’ for a moment it is weightless, then another door opens.

‘I fail to …praise be to design… been spoken… its true name, yet… lust… has been… to speak its… lack of… completion… its true name… for my… individuality… death… specialization… fear… contrast… praise be to balance’

And all the voices echoed in unison. ‘The name of god has been spoken, it is darkness and it is light, we are that fire’ Torches in all corners of the room flared up and the walls went white for a moment. A myriad of colors filled our vision, as the motley crew of homeless-looking people became visible. A speaker walked to the center of the room.

“Praise be to balance, for even balance must be balanced with extremity. Praise to the infinite, which begins and ends with consciousness, to the infinite names of god who can not be known, and the one name by which I am known.”


“As the winner of the last game, I shall choose the new game, unless there are any among us who hold a passionate bitterness toward this council. It is my right to allow any of you who, despite their passions, have failed to find the strength to speak over the rest.”

“I am bitter”

“Tell us your story”

“I have burned with passion for as long as I can remember, my soul is twisted and gnarled and I cannot find balance, it burrows inside me and blackens my heart, it is a river caught in a well.”

“I am sorry to hear this, cousin. Have all the members of our congregation spoken since your last time?”

“I cannot remember”

“It could be that this is your verdict, if you cannot find victory within, you shall not be granted it without. I could call upon the lineage of the god of time and change, or the god of history, if it’s not currently intoxicated, as usual, but that is not my decision. It so happens that this works out perfectly for my game. Whom do you praise in this moment?”


“The name of god is spoken. We shall enter into your soul, the winner shall be that who contributes in greatest measure to balance your passions. Let us search through your fragmented memories and the worlds that exist in your heart and mind and we shall champion the fledglings, tear down the old worlds and make them new again, bathe the old beliefs and icons with magma from the forge of Hephaestus, and temper them in the bitter hearts of your old gods. I feel that this building, and our bodies are in need of happier raiments.”


“Yes it is an opinion, and no you may not speak, win the damn game and then you can punish me for the breach, but I feel that it will be insignificant by then.”

“Thank you, praise be to balance.”

“Balance is not my name, praise be to balance, whom I now serve, and in the name of balance, let the games begin.”

“The name of god has been spoken, the infinite names of god cannot be known, praise be to balance, let the games begin”.

Now (6/19/16)

now is everything
everything there is ever going to be
right now
so that is everything
everything you are
everything you do
everything you feel
everything that is your experience
and the only thing there is ever going to be
is that
so change it
right now
this moment
because that is all there ever is
is this
this moment
right here
right now
to be this
to be you
to change anything you want
to fight it
to be it
to do that
that one thing
right now
and thats all
there ever will be

the most important thing to remember is
i am well

On Letting Go (4/18/16)

In life, we make a lot of investments. Not necessarily financial ones. We invest in friends, in career opportunities, in romance, in health.

Sometimes you can find yourself where i’ve been for a while…
(I’ve decided i’m just going to let you know where i’m coming from, instead of putting on a guise of a PSA or philosophy or altruism or some such nonsense)


When i was a child, i was angry at the world because i wanted to listen to my body, but the world said i couldn’t. At my age, i have traumatized my own body and it no longer speaks with me easily, now i have to force it to do things that are good for it.

I invested poorly, and it’s hard to cash out of a bad, long term investment.

A good example is marriage and religion. I hear time and time again about unhappy couples refusing to get divorced because of religion. My father was sort of one of them. Religion convinces you that you’re bound to a behavior until death. That’s dumb, it’s an advertising gimmick, but it’s a lifelong bad investment. It’s hard to cash out when your subconscious thinks it’s your eternal soul (whatever that is) on the line.

I had a friend for a long time, we called each other best friends for a while. I thought he was mentoring me, in a way. People who are older, and i’ve always been younger, have always held themselves in my presence as if they are superior, perhaps it is a subconscious thing and not the way they see it. This makes me realize how important it is to be aware of how you perceive important figures in your life. Anyway, i found out recently that he is a pathological liar, and has been as long as i’ve known him.

It’s hard to leave behind those experiences that are powerful for us. It can be too easy to say nothing. It can be too easy to be angry.

As i wrote this, i found compassion for him. Perhaps he can’t control it. Perhaps i should know better than to use my friends as role models. It is best for me to regard him as another human who is trying their best, even if it isn’t good enough for me, it’s not my responsibility, and i wish him good luck in his battle with himself. Perhaps the hardest part is imagining facing the world without a friend, or perhaps, without an enemy i know.

I did a lot of things to waste time, mindlessly, when i was a child. I had to, to distract myself from all the things i was being forced to do, seemingly without purpose. I was always aware that what i was been forced to learn was not accomplishing the things i was being told it was supposed to accomplish. I learned to enjoy fruitless labors and the screen. When i found myself needing to choose a career path, i could not enjoy what was finacially necessary because i was so focused on fruitless tasks.

I invested poorly, and i had nothing to put into a new account.

Letting go is hard. It’s like quitting. It’s like putting a book down in the middle of a chapter, except you can’t get rid of the book, you can only shelf it. I think the trick is that you’ve got to get interested in another book, or at least committed enough to keep trying.

As i hit the point where i no longer have the ability to be entertained by the old habits, i find myself struggling between giving away my time to those things i don’t care for, or keeping it to myself though i don’t know what to do with it. I suppose it is time to take chances on the new. Little by little.

Bad for Business (4/11/16)

It takes a lot to care about yourself. A whole lot. We talk like the world needs more people who care about others but really… we don’t know what it means to care about ourselves. We’re constantly thinking of others. We think, I have to have what they have, I want to be with that person, I want to buy this so I’ll feel different around others, I have to be better than others to get that raise, I have to be better than others to sell this, I have to sell this to others, I have to change that person’s mind. We don’t really think of ourselves much.

I saw an article once upon a time, I forget where, stating that meditation can lead to a decrease in productivity, because it makes you happy with less, and it stated that from a business perspective, this is a bad thing… which only makes me conclude that happiness is bad for business. Think about it, would ANY of us work as hard as we do if we didn’t have to pay the rent, and the utilities, and the car loan, and the insurance… a lot of costs which, if you didn’t have to work so hard or so often would actually be significantly reduced? If you didn’t have to pay taxes to own the land you lived on, and you could grow your own food there, and a lot of people did that, so you’d have a lot of help if you had any questions about how to do it… wouldn’t we all work a lot less and be a lot happier? Certainly that’s a bit extreme, but I’m simply illustrating a point. Happiness is bad for business. Caring about yourself is bad for business. The competitive aspect of business was designed to encourage people to make better products, but at this point, we are all forced to work, which means we are forced to sell whatever we can, which takes this friendly, productive competition and turns it into a hellbeast that eats fads and shits debt. If we cared about ourselves… we would have seen this coming.

If competition still worked, electricity would be a thing of the past, oil would be a thing of the past, we’d be making laws about personal spacecraft and laser guns right now, our appliances and cars would run on water, our drills and explosives would be replaced with harmonic vibrators that can disintegrate inorganic matter, and nearly all diseases would be eradicated, but the captains of industry don’t want new technology, likely because it will disrupt the endless work/pay/drink/watch cycle that they have all of humanity running on, I mean, think about it, any of those improvements would put entire industries worldwide out of jobs, it would take decades to tear out and replace all the infrastructure, but they’re sitting on all that technology. Look up John W. Keely and Royal Rife for starters.

It’s hard to think about ourselves. I can barely focus in the tiny apartment that I live in, which I can barely afford, bordered on all sides by traffic and noisy neighbors and disrespectful roommates. If I cared about myself, I wouldn’t live here, but I can’t afford not to, I don’t know anywhere else to go. What have we done? Nature says, here is everything you need, eat, drink, shit, sleep and play. All the other rules we made, and there’s way too many. Too many men, too many people making too many problems… Phil Collins knows.


There are a lot of worlds. But there are only really two. Yours. And everyone else’s. You’ve got to do your part to make BOTH better places, because one without the other is nothing. If the world outside is too encroaching, the inner world is lost. If the inner world is too encompassing, the outer world will be unmanageable.

Priority/Perspective (4/4/16)

We all want to believe that we are good. We put ourselves on the ‘right’ side of all of our moral choices. We say, ‘I had to do it that way’.

We’re not good. We’re not evil either. We survive. That’s all.

If you want to have it good, you have to find a way.

It’s easy for a person to say ‘I don’t want to take advantage of others’. But we still do. We have to.

I know a lot of ‘good’ people who I think are throwing their lives away. Hopefully they think they have it good. It’s all I can hope.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people, but a martyr never has it good. A martyr bets on the next life, and anyone in sales or marketing knows that’s not a good bet.

So what are you selling?

Get to work, or you won’t survive.

It’s funny. You know how people might say, ‘you’ve got it better than you think’? It can be easy to miss something important, not because you missed it, but because you thought something else was more important. So priorities are important. We all know number one. Survival.

Where do you go from there? Preference. I found it can seem like the best of several evils most of the time. They say don’t let your dreams die. I don’t think any of us do, I don’t think we can. Don’t lose focus on what is your dream, and what others’ are, that’s the trick. Prioritize.

Your Road (3/29/2016)

I think about morals a lot.

I’m not sure why.

Today I had a thought that reminded me of ‘Sweet Dreams’ by the Eurythmics. Everyone wants something different. Some people really do want to be used, that’s just not the way they look at it. Everyone is right from their own perspective, of course. Some people should do drugs. I mean, I’ve had some very good experiences from them, personally. Some of them have been good for my mind, some of them have not, and I think I know the difference, I’m not as adventurous anymore. Some people should never do drugs. It depends on the person, on the mind. There is always a better way, but sometimes you can’t just get there from here, and you have to have faith in YOUR road, not the road other people think you should follow. Some people should use prostitutes, some people shouldn’t, some people need religion, some people should stay away from it. It’s finding that feeling of home somewhere that’s really important, isn’t it?

We say, don’t talk about politics or religion, what we really mean is don’t tell other people how to behave based on principle (At least, aside from our normal programming, which is not colorful enough to be called ‘culture’ anymore). If we can’t communicate, if we fight, it’s because were arguing over the truth of statements, rather than trying to communicate our experience. What do you mean when you say aura? What do you mean when you say love? What do you mean when you say normal? What do you mean when you say respect? It’s surprising how communication can be lost in the words. So don’t hide behind what you can’t explain. Try to explain it. There are words for it, I guarantee, as long as you have someone who is actually trying to hear.

You want something or think you need something (for you, not others)? Forget the ‘right’ way to do it, and just find a way to do it, if you stay focused, you might find something. Maybe.

Programming (3/28/16)

I am programmed. First by the world around me, and eventually these subroutines run themselves.

I meditated today and found that afterwards I am drawn to old behaviors, ‘I should eat’, ‘I should smoke’, ‘I should play…’, ‘I should watch…’. I don’t necessarily feel like doing these things, but I expect myself to, and I think that these things will make me feel better until I examine my need for them.

I wonder how much of myself I am, and how much I simply think I am. The hypnosis runs deep.

I wonder how much I am doing because I think I should, and how much I am doing because I want to be doing it. I used to find that want from reacting to a world I was trapped in, now that I find I can isolate myself and do not have to react… what reaction do I want?

I used to believe in a pre-programmed morality, which I left consciously, because I found that the experiences I wanted did not seem to be allowed by it. However, subconsciously, I am still bound to certain parts of it. It’s truly alarming how sometimes we cannot even see the bars of the cage we are trapped in, thinking them part of the scenery.

It is true you must know yourself, for this is truly where you will find your most holy truths. Knowing the world is necessary, for the world is still a very dangerous place for the heart.